Yogos Director's Commentary

                I’m about to say something I haven’t said since high school: you should go watch Yogos. Not because it really holds up to the tests of time, just because this blog will make a lot more sense if it’s fresh in your head. I’ll add a link to each video as they come up below.

                Kaden, Matt, and myself were often asked “what was your inspiration for making Yogos?” even in the summer after 8^th grade when we first uploaded the video to YouTube I thought this was a… silly question. People – Yogos weren’t even good. I think my Mom purchased them on a regular basis because they were usually on sale for like a dollar, and while they weren’t yknow, good, they had plenty of sugar so they’d get eaten. She saw inexpensive snack that quickly changed into eaten snacks, and chose to keep them stocked. Also it was 2006 and who the hell looked at sugar content?

                So why Yogos? We thought the name was funny when I yelled it in the “Sean” voice. If you’ve been waiting since 2006 for us to drop a truth bomb about how the Yogos videos were an allegory for a political conflict or that it’s somehow related to American youth being obsessed with sugar, I’m sorry to disappoint. We sat around trying to come up with a video idea, got bored and looked for snacks, I yelled YOGOS, and a few minutes later the camera was rolling.

                You know what I learned a few months before we made the first video? Making videos is hard. Even these silly little 3 minute videos take hours to complete. “Filming” took place across three days and editing took a couple hours (shoutout to Windows Movie Maker crashing every few minutes). I had created a few solo videos of me doing weird shit, and got some positive reactions here and there after posting them to Myspace.

                Then it happened. The reason why I almost stopped creating this sort of thing – in my 8^th grade technology class, someone who had seen my most recent video had really enjoyed it, and wanted to show it to a bunch of other people in the class. Something like 8 people gathered around one of the 17” Dell monitors and she hit play.

                Silence. No reactions for three full minutes. No one laughed. When the credits started rolling someone looked at me and said, very halfheartedly as if they just realized I was in the room, “oh I liked it.” It was mortifying at the time. After this hiccup I wasn’t sure if I wanted to post anything again.

Fast forward to the following summer and some friends and family gathered around our family computer and I showed Yogos to the first group of people aside from Matt and Kaden. Pretty early in it was apparent that this was a different case entirely. When it hit the point about two minutes in where I confuse airsoft BBs for Yogos, the reaction from the room kicked me right off the fence onto the “put this shit on the internet” side.

                At times in this piece it will sound like I took it too seriously between calling it a “production” or talking about the editing process or issues we ran into. When I first began writing this I tried to make it clear that all of was intended to be lighthearted by putting disclaimers on each bit that referenced any sort of intricacies involved in the process. But it got repetitive and boring to read. Please know – I’m aware that this is a blog about the creation of videos regarding yogurt balls.

                So that was a lot of intro, let’s get into the breakdowns.

                Yogos: Yogos pt. 1

                So yea no shit it makes sense to start at the beginning of the video, but I’m also glad to get this part out of the way ASAP. The intro scene is, in my opinion, the weakest/most cringe inducing part of the whole series. Between the awkward cuts and me running around yelling for no discernable reason, it’s a rocky start. The only saving grace in my opinion is that as I laid on the couch in the first few seconds, Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants was what was playing on the TV. I doubt anyone has ever noticed this independently. A thirteen year old guy sitting around by himself watching Sisterhood of the Travelling pants was nothing short of hilarious to us as we started production, and it did not work, yknow, at all. Then, FINALLY (aka 26 seconds in) the other stars make their entrance and things improve dramatically.

                Like I mentioned before, everything I’d done up to this point had been a solo venture. Because yea, no shit, no one could drive yet and making videos was a boredom induced habit and not something that merited “hey you guys wanna come over and make a dumbass video about nothing?” That is up until I showed these two some of my older stuff, and they just completely understood what I was going for.  

                We shot and edited the video together scene by scene instead of shooting everything and editing later. Contrasting this sequence featuring Kaden’s casual demeanor with the backwards hat while Matt slowly murders a nectarine with a Desert Eagle airsoft pistol, against with the awkward introduction was what kept us filming.

                Then we hit the scene with 2x speed. This part is hit or miss to me, but the part where I go up and inspect Matt for Yogos is still solid in my eyes.

                Following this, we have the scene that caused the first behind the scenes drama: me throwing the doll at Kaden. He argued that it was kinda pointless and didn’t really fit in. I argued that it was a turning point for me. In my head this scene is my character trying calm himself down by playing with the doll, but the rage prevailed. I think this lead to the suiting up sequence pretty well. Admittedly, that’s a huuuuuuuuuuuge stretch. Most of why I wanted it in the final cut was the fact that the timing with the doll’s music and Kaden’s reaction as he’s assaulted by it were smooth af.

                Finally we get the suit up sequence. I. Fucking. Love. This. Part. This was largely Kaden’s brainchild, from the Jack Johnson song to the decision to have someone throw me the helmet instead of me just grabbing it, and the zoomed shot as I clip the helmet. Then we have the red belt. This was a contribution from my sister. That thing was TIGHT, in a very literal sense. It is, with any luck, the closest thing I’ll experience to wearing an old timey corset. Plus, the socks+no shoes look really pulled it all together. Once the outfit is complete, we struggled a bit to come up with the next line of dialogue. We finally decided we should lean in to how stupid it was (duh) and drop the corniest line we could come up with – “I’m getting those Yogos.”

                Then we have the scene where I dive for the Yogos and they’re pulled away, which at first is pretty meh. That being said, it’s a necessary setup for the next scene where they’re dropped from the loft above (which is far funnier). It’s clear to me that neither of these clips would’ve worked without the other.

                As we get to the shot of Matt on the couch and Kaden on the ground futon, there are some fun behind the scenes facts to add! It’s not super easy to tell because we were using a camera that shot in 640x480, but Matt is casually munching away on a bag of Yogos. Also, if you look closely at Kaden’s left hand, he slaps his leg a few seconds in. I could see this from outside, and it was my queue to start my run past the sliding glass window. Lastly, I fuckin love this bit.

                Up next is the BB scene. Remember earlier when I mentioned showing this video to a few friends/family members and it killed? This far into the video, based on everyone in the room’s reaction so far, I knew it was coming, but when it turns to “slow motion” and I spit them all out, it killed. That memory will stick with me forever and is largely why I kept at it for a while.

                And then we arrive at the end. It probably isn’t super surprising that I butchered the leap at Kaden, i.e. I wanted to make it look real and ended up actually sort of body slamming Kaden and elbowing him in the face.

We only did the one take for this scene (Kaden understandably wanted to avoided another elbow the chin) but I think it turned out great. The abrupt transition to Cochise by Audioslave struck us as a perfect way to conclude this borderline insane, absolutely ridiculous two-and-a-half-minute adventure.

                Yogos 2 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9-qbvdiww7c

                Yknow all those dipshit Star Wars fans who claim that it should only have been the 1977 release and absolutely no other content? Yea those people are fucking stupid but part of me gets it when I reflect on this stuff. I kinda wish Yogos was just Yogos and that we would have either moved on to a different project entirely or maybe idk get some other hobbies. Still, the sequel has a few redeeming factors, especially with some background info.

                Right from the beginning you can see an increase in the production quality. The white text on blue background (the default text layout in Windows Movie Maker and the format used in the credits of Yogos 1) is a textbook example of being a total rookie with WMM. In the Yogos 2 intro, the abhorrent yellow font that is typed out as opposed to be static combined with the grey background is, in some ways, a significant upgrade.

                Next up we have long haired Sean! The thing that the Yogos are hanging from is a stuffed monkey with hands that function sort of like the clips you use for sealing bags of chips or whatever. One hand attached to the light fixture, the other dangled and held my glasses while I slept. A dangling stuffed monkey holding my glasses every night is admittedly sorta badass.

                Enter the remote-control car. Watching the scene I find it pretty enjoyable. Filming it was a bitch and a half. That thing controlled like shit and simply driving it up and down the hallway in a straight line was painful. Steering it into a different room was nearly impossible. It mostly paid off and showcased my first (and only) editing magic. The cuts aren’t perfect, the lighting changes obnoxiously at times, but it’s still fun.

                It’s necessary to mention that up through this bit of this video I was the only one involved in the video’s production. I just happened to have the idea for an intro I liked and got started on it right away. If you look closely, when I walk out of the room and the truck is about to hit me, you can see the controller is in my hands. Yep, I drove that thing straight into my legs at top speed. It didn’t necessarily hurt, but it was absolutely more painful than I would have anticipated.

                But it was nothing. Nothing compared to the next shot where it drives over my face. Kaden had entered the picture at this point and had the idea to drive it over my face. I jumped at the idea as it sounded hilarious to me. I really should’ve taken my glasses off. I can still feel the burning sensation from the tires driving over me and mowing my glasses (mostly the nosepieces) across my entire face. As soon as it had cleared my face I sprung up and ran to the bathroom where I started applying cold water to my face in an attempt to soothe the burning pain, and no, it did not assist in the slightest. Also also, if you look closely, you can see a lone Yogo just to the left of my head.

                Then we have suit up scene round deux. The music fading in, the panning shot of both the costume hanging up in the closet and then of me fully geared up all worked quite well. Remember earlier when I said “we decided to lean into it and have me say the corniest thing imaginable” ? We did that here again, and you can see in my face that I’m trying not to laugh because I’m very, very aware of how goddamn stupid it is.

                For the scene of me shoving Matt out of the way, I wish we’d filmed at a different angle to better demonstrate the height disparity of Matt and I. The joke was me being able to move Matt against his will in any way, but it clearly didn’t work super well because due to the way it was shot he doesn’t seem all that much taller than I am.

                I mentioned before how our editing process had improved a bit. This next bit with me running up the stairs, having extreme zoom power on the package of candy on the driveway outside actually looks kinda nice. Kaden’s delivery of “ooh my, they smell like watermelon too” still gets me. The intercut shots with the brief slowmo bit made for a pretty okay final product.

                System of a Down’s song, Picture, then kicks in for probably the most “action packed” part of the franchise. You can see me almost stop as I point down at Kaden’s hat because I wasn’t sure if he wanted to cut and pick it up off the ground, but as I saw him continue running I figured it was okay. We did a few more takes of this scene but we universally agreed that this shot was the right one. The change to the over the shoulder view right as the song cuts to a more intense portion was nothing short of delightful as we put things together in the “editing room” (parents basement).

                Finally, we hit the spot where I think Yogos 2 goes downhill. Trust me, I know it sounds silly, but we had been working on this video for a few days now (when I say days I mean a few hours at a time when our mommies could drive us to and from the proper locations) and we were all kinda over it. We finally added what I consider to be the laziest attempt at humor we had so far, where a gun is introduced to the situation. Some people love this part, to me it’s just a scene that is a result of us being tired and wanting to put a bow on things.

                Yknow this part where Kaden tells me to drop the gun? And I rip the swim cap off my head and I look kinda pissed? I was. We were trying to come up with some sort of ending and we simply could not agree on any sort of conclusion to the sequel.

ALSO, let’s talk swim caps for a second. Swim caps are meant to be put on when your hair is wet and when the cap is wet. Literally the way we put them on in swim team (sometimes) was to have the swimmer jump in the water, get their head completely soaked, and then fill up the swim cap with water before handing it off to someone still on dry ground. The person holding the water-filled cap then aimed carefully and dropped it onto the swimmer’s head from a few feet up. This ensures a nice tight seal and that everything will be properly… lubricated.

Notice how I have long hair in this video? Ripping that swim cap off hurt, like a lot. So did putting it on. My frustrated face as I stared up to where Kaden was standing was 100% legitimate.

Another background fact – this was never intended to be the ending of Yogos 2. Which is why it comes off as so out of place and feels like a bit of a letdown. Kaden and Matt took off for the day and like I mentioned before tensions were running just a bit higher than they should (especially for making fucking Yogos). I decided I just wanted to finish editing it and call it a day. Later that night Matt sent me a message with some new ideas for concluding Yogos 2, and I shamefully gave him the news – it had already been uploaded to YouTube and shared on Myspace. The damage was done.

I will add that the “credits” sequence may be my favorite part of this video. The one downside is that we realized we only had two shots of Matt to work with – both of him being shoved out of the way by me. He operated the camera through most of Yogos 2 and is credited with having captured most of the behind the scenes stuff and as a result all we had (short of adding something artificial) was this clip that had already been used previously. Still, the music, me struggling with the swim cap, Kaden yanking my jammers (swimsuit) up further, all turned out beautifully.

While I had a lot of negative things to say, reception was still pretty strong. My Myspace inbox was (mostly) full of praise. But the response I got most was a question that I began to dread hearing for well over a decade – when is Yogos 3 coming out?

Yogos 3 Trailer https://youtu.be/0PIAUf6Wui4

Like I said two seconds ago, we had a lot of people asking when the conclusion to the Yogos trilogy would be releasing. We had no fucking clue, we could barely finish the sequel. It was still important to us to keep people interested. I do not recall whose idea it was, but the Yogos 3 Trailer had three constraints as we entered production: it had to be under one minute long, could not feature any unnecessary filler, and had to be funny – specifically to us. We had a few ideas for things that we knew would get a few chuckles from people who already liked the previous entries. It was important to us that people mostly without a bias would think it was enjoyable.

Again I’d like to think our editing process had improved and that that fact is on display in this short video. I still think the intro featuring the Cowboy Bebop music holds up great.

The whole bit in Albertsons was fun yet stressful to film. This was 2007 and smartphones were still a ways off from being the norm. This meant we were holding an old school digital camera in the middle of the store. Getting the shot of me picking up the Yogos from the shelf was easy. The checkout area was PACKED. We were all nervous about being told we couldn’t record. Finally in one of my few “fuck it” moments at this age, I just went for it. I got a decent shot of scanning the box with the self-checkout beep pretty well. We absolutely were getting looks from both customers and staff and beelined for the exit right after I stopped recording.

Enter the unknown character. The first face in the series that was not mine, Matt, or Kaden’s. His sneaking abilities were off the charts and his screams as he ran away with my Yogos had me breaking in almost every take. You can see me trying not to laugh in this scene after he runs off.

And then we have THE part. It was the only bit we were sure we wanted to have in the video, planned well before we started shooting: “I’m getting those fuckin Yogos.” Now at the time I had actually been attending a lot of church functions (lmao) and if you look close enough you can tell I don’t actually say the word fucking. This part still makes me laugh years later, mostly because I imagined the reaction of my friend’s moms and how they’d be sort of shocked but still laughing.

But really, truly my favorite part of all the Yogos videos: editing in the Halo 3 trailer. I’ve said that there are parts that still make me chuckle, but whenever I get to this scene I actually laugh out loud. Which is sorta lame because this part was entirely my idea and tacked on at the last second. I still can’t believe how well everything lined up – from “this is the way the world ends,” to the gorgeous looking 3, to “FINISH THE FIGHT 2007” (just to be clear yes, Yogos 3 was originally slated for release that year). Also, it was difficult to get it to look right. The original cut of the Halo 3 trailer had the Bungie logo between the “3” and “Finish the Fight.” Cutting the Bungie logo while maintaining the musical impact (again using windows movie maker) was far and away the most difficult bit of editing throughout the series.

Let me be very clear – we were riding high after this. Our heads had been slightly inflated by the praise we had received and were absolutely confident the second half of the script for Yogos 3 (yea, we were doing scripts now) would come to us easily and we’d be able to piece it together over the course of a week or so without too much trouble.

Y’all ever notice how Yogos 3 never came out?

Yogos 3

Fun fact about Yogos 3: it was about 60-70% complete when we threw in the towel. Like, we were pretty close. And it started off mostly strong: an overly artistic intro with me walking through the Hills West neighborhood intercut with opening credits, complete with Nirvana’s All Apologies (home edition version from Best of the Box). I even encounter a mime. Like, literally we ran into a friend outside of Albertsons who had mime makeup, and we worked it into the intro.

I want to add this now so I don’t ruin everything at the very end – Yogos 3 is never coming out. There’s no way we could ever do it justice following a 16 year hiatus. The last scene we had in the original cut was me jumping out a (first story) window and walking down my parent’s backyard. Over the last decade and half we have joked about how funny it would be if we cut from that scene to an HD, modern day Sean walking through the backyard without acknowledging the time gap in any way whatsoever. We still think that’d be pretty damn funny. It’s nowhere near enough to merit the effort required (including Matt flying in from Texas) to give it a proper sendoff.

Anyway, back to the summary of what we had for Yogos 3.

After the admittedly overly artsy intro, I show up at a friend (Kaden’s) house and knock on the door. He opens it, and simply yells “dude, get help.”

So enters the therapist. The first/only character in the series that is played by a woman. She’s posted up behind the desk in my room and came up with ideas to fill the void left by Yogos. She suggests encouraging a fixation around my hair (I fucking loved my how my hair looked at this point in my life). The camera cuts back to me and pans upward as the screen fades to white (we were attempting to show the next scene as a thought in my head and not a real event) and it transitions to a scene of what looks like me chugging shampoo. It was actually a bottle of that “candy” that was just a literal syrupy candy that fructose corn syrup and strawberry flavoring, hidden behind a bottle of Garnier fructis. The shot fades to white and then the camera pans back down to me on my bed. I shake my head and she moves on to her next suggestion.

This is where everything lost traction. We knew we had to have three options to replace the Yogos addiction. We had shampoo, butter mints (the third of the three), but #2 was difficult for us to come up with. What we ended up with was bagel bites. There is another transition meant to indicate a thought in my head. It cuts to a shot from the camera, placed in an oven, looking at me as I try to grab a tray of (still frozen but supposed to be cooked) bagel bites. It fades to black and we tried, and tried, and tried to add some sort of scream to yknow, indicate that I burned myself trying to grab them. We couldn’t get it to work (be funny) and going back to the drawing board for this scene didn’t seem like an option. We’d need the therapist again. We were all 14-15 at the time and her Dad was not exactly stoked on her hanging out with us. It was either cut the scene, start it fresh, or make an attempt to have everyone in the same clothing to add the middle sequence. We eventually settled on none of the above.

Back in the therapists office, I again shake my head to say that no, bagel bites will not suffice to replace Yogos. Finally, the Doctor declares she has it figured it out – my new fixation will be butter mints. Until a few weeks prior none of us knew butter mints even existed, and they sounded gross as hell. She very conveniently had a box of butter mints in her desk that she threw at my head. I was not receptive to them, and the gal we had playing the therapist gave an absolutely stunning delivery of “do it” as she took her glasses off and glared at me.

This led to me facing out the window, putting a handful of butter mints in my mouth, and then unapologetically ripping of Yogos 1 by spitting them all out slow motion. At this point I gave up on the therapy and hopped through the window.

That was the last Yogos scene we ever shot. We were all pretty busy between school and sports, and basically we lost interest. It had been too long since we posted a video (got praise) and our motivation ran dry.

We never really came up with an ending. Obviously it boils down to either I get the Yogos, or find a new fixation. You can pick whichever conclusion you’d prefer 😊

To conclude, we just have the legacy of Yogos. I have something like 30 videos on my YouTube channel. As of today, only six are viewable to anyone save me. Half of these are of course the Yogos videos. After a few instances of people in a new work environment discovering my YouTube channel and seeing this previous version of myself, I wanted to obliterate them from existence. At one point I took 1, 2, and the trailer and set them to private. Let me again be very clear – I did not receive any sort of overwhelming backlash, begging for their return. What I did get was about three people over the span of a month or so asking what happened to them. The first was surprising, the second was just weird (had never met the person, they were just a random youtuber who commented on how funny they found my socks) and the third finally convinced me to set them to public again. Number 3 wasn’t any sort of emotional “please put them back up” just a “yo what the fuck where are the Yogos videos?” and it was enough for me to realize that owning up to the embarrassing 7 combined minutes of YouTube stardom was just sort of part of the Sean package. I’ve only been at my current job since August and I dread the inevitable. At some point with every job I’ve had (with the exception of working at Amazon and Uber) someone finds my channel and the potential to repeat the middle school incident of no one in the room reacting in any way presents itself.

At least I’m pretty good at handling it at this point. And depending on how you choose the story ends – at least I got those fuckin Yogos.

 

 

 

 

               

Spicy Food

                I’ve been plagued by my share of self-inflicted vices over the years. Whether it be sugar, alcohol, nicotine – I always have backup indulgence to get some of those happy brain chemicals in motion. Should the situation call for a serotonin hit where none can be reasonably ingested – in comes the spicy food.

                It all comes back to me not liking pizza as a child. I fuckin hate tomatoes. I liked pizza until I was something like 6 years old, then found it disgusting (if it had red sauce) until I was in high school. By 14 or so liking pizza just made a lot more sense – how the hell else could teenagers without cars get food delivered? Ordering pizza meant freedom. ALSO, my friends never ordered extra sauce, which my parents had a habit of doing when they placed their orders at Pizza Hut. Throw in stuffed crust and all of the sudden pizza was again palatable for me.

                So we have this 8 or so year gap between 1^st grade and freshman year of high school where I just straight up didn’t eat pizza. In elementary school I strove to be part of the group of students who hit X reading goal or Y math points to get to have a “pizza party.” It’s probably pretty obvious at this point but I didn’t give a shit about the pizza, I wanted to have the special time with my friends who always also hit the party criteria. It became something I enjoyed: bringing my pb+j, the teacher (if they weren’t my direct educator) being slightly confused, and me saying “oh no, I don’t like pizza, Alden and Jeremy can have my slices.”

                Just because I didn’t like pizza didn’t mean the world around me stopped liking pizza. My family ordered some pies on a regular basis (especially before my parents did a low-carb diet for the first time). Finally sometime in the very early 2000s, Pizza Hut began to offer wings in addition to pizzas. My mother grudgingly offered to add an 8-piece serving of wings the next time they were about to ring up the Hut. I jumped at the opportunity.

                Pain. Pain was the result. Guys, like, yea, it was probably because I was 10 or 11, but those wings were HOT and I maintain to this day that if the wings they served at the time were their “regular” nowadays, they would be Tik Tok challenge level. Keep in mind I wasn’t ordering mild or spicy or whatever, I was ordering “wings,” period, aka the only option at the time.

**It’s necessary to add at this point that I acknowledge it’s sound a bit like I’m whining about how I didn’t like pizza as a kid and had to suffer through eating spicy food. I can understand if that’s your interpretation at this point, but at its core this is a story about how being a picky eater as a child turned me into a rad adult who is beyond thankful for his accommodating parents.  

                Still, I preferred the pain as opposed to eating something boring like toast, instead of pizza. It did not take long before I desired that buzz (not that I knew what a buzz even was at the time) that came along with eating food that made me sweat mildly. One clear memory from this time was playing Star Wars: Jedi Power Battles (why does no one talk about that game?) on my PS1. My mom yelled down the stairs saying they were ordering pizza, and I simply screamed back “WINGGGGGGGGGGGS!”

                Then finally in high school, I met the love of my life – Sriracha. Suddenly I had the power to make anything as spicy as I wanted it (at the time). It was perfection in sauce form. From then on, whenever I was at a restaurant or getting takeout, I always made sure to choose a spicy option and to add some sriracha to whatever it was for that extra kick.

                Suddenly college arrives. Pizza Hut wings have now expanded into a selection of something like 12 sauces. Wing Wednesday became a weekly source of excitement for my roommates and I. I understand it’s a pizza chain – that being said, their Buffalo Burnin’ Hot is still a respectably spicy hot sauce. Even nowadays it’s not something I can just toss down the mouth chute, it takes a bit of finesse. In 2012 it was an absolute struggle to make it through the 14-piece order of wings ($7.57 out the door at the time) but goddamn, did I love every bite. It hit a weird point when I started adding other sauces to it (yknow, sriracha and the like) and realized I needed to step up my game.

                Enter Thai Ginger: the small Thai restaurant only a ~10 minute walk from our college houses. The first time I went was especially disappointing as I ordered “spicy chicken.” It was a generic mixture of vegetables I didn’t really like with miniature bits of chicken. The next time I went, a friend of mine strongly recommended I order the pad Thai and holy shit what a revelation that lunch was. Sriracha is perfection as a sauce as pad Thai is perfection to a complete meal.

                A few visits later it hits me – I can order these noodles at spice levels 1-4. I started ordering the 3 star option on a regular basis and y’all I am just having the fondest memories right now. Needing to pause to order more water continue eating, entering into a coughing fit in which I had to exit the building to catch my breath, most of the classically embarrassing moments you experience as you journey through your spicy food adventures.

                As I got older and moving around quite a bit I kept on the hunt for restaurants that would serve adequately spicy food. Once I had moved back to Richland from Seattle, I began slowly taking inventory of Thai restaurants until I found one that stuck (it took several). I gave up on ordering anything under the spiciest option because while my tolerance had indeed shot through the roof in recent years, most restaurants don’t take you seriously when you order over the phone and say you want the hottest thing on the menu.

                Finally, I get the details on the best Thai food I’ve had in Tri-Cities. I go with some friends who were regulars. Like many places it offers a scale of 1-5 for spice. When it came to my turn to order, using the insider advice I had been given, I asked for the beef pad Thai with 10 stars. The server looked over at one of the regulars who nodded, and said “give it to him like Hailey always gets it.” She looked back at me, still with an inquisitive expression and I said “I would like to embarrass myself.” The server appeared unconvinced but clearly wrote down my order as I had intended. When she came to drop off the food I distinctly recall her saying “smelling this plate just gave me a stomachache.”

                Admittedly I was pretty silent for most of the meal. A lot of my energy was focused on “keep it cool, you wanted this.” I had the foresight to order a Thai Iced Tea as well, which is nothing less than magic (or chemistry or whatever the fuck) for helping with spice. I did not clear the plate (because I literally never do, restaurant portions are almost always two meals) but managed to hit that “full” feeling without too much trouble.

                Christmas 2020 hit a while later. Being 27 I basically had all the shit I really needed and could afford to purchase most recreational items I desired. When the family asked me for Christmas ideas, I (without entirely realizing it) suggested the same thing to everyone who asked – hot sauce.

                Come January 2021 I had over 20 new bottles of hot sauce in my apartment. Some of them are gone now, some still unopened (as I got some duplicates), and one which looks like it hasn’t been touched. This is where an interesting divide happens with spice people – there is a line between spice being there for “fun” while still adding to the dining experience, and it being a novelty which exists solely for pain inducing antics. Mad Dog 357 hot sauce absolutely falls into the latter, I would never actually put this on food to enhance it. It’s something that I take out of the cabinet, put the slightest of slight amounts on a piece of bread or something similar, and serve to myself and whoever the hell is dumb enough to embark on this adventure with me. While I do drink alone, I do not consume MD 357 solo.

This all culminates into what I've observed to be my "perfect spice" level to be. Buldak ramen, the black label. Prepare it just as the label requests. Add some Sriracha and some Hot Ones Last Dab sauce, throw in a bit of rotisserie chicken, and the result is the closest thing to a euphoric drug experience achieved via food that I have discovered in these last 30 years.

                While I’m confident enough to say I’m a good bit above average in terms of spice tolerance, I’d like to make it clear that I’m nothing special. I’d never enter a competition for who can eat the spiciest food it the greatest portion. If I do go to a restaurant that claims they have some mind bending sauce, I’ll usually order a side of it to dip my stuff in, just to see what the fuss is about.